[Pre-explanation: my erstwhile employers subscribe to an employee evaluation system of “OKRs”, AKA “Objectives and Key Results”. Shorn of management-consultant babble this means that at the start of every quarter you write down what your goals are, and then at the end of the quarter you grade yourself on a scale of 0 to 1 of how many of those goals you fully completed.]
OKR Grading for Paternity Leave:
- Survive solo-parenting trip to east coast: 0.8
Timing a with-baby-sans-mom trip to NYC and Philadelphia during the middle of the worst July heatwave in recorded history may not have been the smartest bit of planning I’ve ever done in my life, but nobody died of heat prostration, and after one thoroughly miserable night of sweaty non-sleeping, a rough circadian equilibrium was re-established. As a side-note, if I’d known that having a child was what it took to finally get my mother to buy an air conditioner, I’d’ve tried much harder to get my teenage girlfriends knocked up.
- Introduce solid foods: 0.7
The “stretch goals” of cheerios and bread crusts are blocked waiting on the delivery of molars. Pureed fruits and veg are completely go, however. Pureed meats being evaluated on a case-by-case basis.
The output side of the I/O algorithm is increasingly polluted, but this may be an inevitable side-effect of processing more diverse inputs.
- Crawling: 0.5
The subject is clearly* capable* of crawling, but her ability to remember and apply the skill is still strangely situational. Some obvious bugs: she will back herself into a corner or wedge herself under the chaise, and not understand that she is capable of crawling forward to escape. She will, on the other hand, crawl quickly and reliably toward the cat who is most likely to swat her when she approaches, which possibly bodes poorly for her dating habits in 15+ years.
- Baby-proof apartment: 0.5
Established a gated “enrichment center” in the living room (delivery of Weighted Companion Cube still pending), which the subject will occasionally tolerate being placed into without direct supervision. Successfully swapped out the CD shelf for one with locking doors, so the music collection is secured. Still waiting on delivery of the door-enabled stereo stand, but a wall of couch pillows is sufficing as a stopgap measure to keep the subject from chewing on the electrical cords.
- Retain ability to communicate with adults: 0.3
Hopefully the urge to initiate greetings by checking my corworkers’ diapers will fade after a few days.