Dear Idiots at The Onion®,
1. Forgotten which medium made you bigtime, have we? Let me gently remind you: those offices in Manhattan? Those retirement funds? Those adoring write-ups in Newsweek? They didn’t happen because samizdat copies of your rinky-dink college weekly paper were photocopied and handed around the country. It was your website. W-E-B-S-I-T-E. Ask your IT guy to remind you how it works.
2. I can order the print back-issue online? Great! Now, how precisely am I supposed to order the print issue offline when your search engine won’t tell me which edition the article I’m looking for is in? The whole point of search engines is that they’re supposed to find things. I know, I know, it’s confusing, they should have called them “find engines.” As long as you’re calling in a meeting with your IT staff, you can have them explain this one again too.
3. You would like me to pay money to have you physically ship me 0.2 ounces of old newsprint? In order to read four paragraphs of text that were originally published on your website? Here’s a thought: stop huffing glue.
4. Your cunning plan completely failed to prevent me from finding the actual article I was looking for, but it certainly did succeed in preventing you from realizing any advertising revenue based on it!
Thank you for your prompt consideration in this matter,
p.s. Stacey Nightmare is funnier than anyone on your staff this year.