please pass the gay

So I’ve been watching “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”, and much to my chagrin, enjoying the hell out of it. This officially makes me a complete fucking hypocrite, because I have long sworn loudly and profanely that I Don’t Watch “Reality” Television, but (a) pride goeth before a fall and all that, and (b) apparently our new robot overlords have decided that for every citizen, there shall be at least one Reality TV show that they shall watch, and damned if their unholy army of demographic consultants, market researchers, brand identity experts and feng shui geomancers didn’t come up with one that was almost perfectly pitched to my sense of humor…

…mine, and apparently several million others’. I’d like to think that at least we get cut some slack for watching a “reality” show on Bravo of all places, but as George Bernard Shaw said, we’re just quibbling on price at this point. I’ll admit it: I’m not just a whore, I’m a cheap, replaceable whore.

Anyway.

One of the constant low-level amusements of the show is observing how so many things which, at rock bottom, have zilch, zip, nada to do with men having sex with men have somehow become incorporated into this gestalt we call, with apologies to Jon Stewart (and JEFFK), the gay. Does possessing a “queer eye” automatically give you a tropism toward muted earth tones, graceful table arrangements, well-tailored clothes and expensive kitchen gadgets? Of course not, but there it is anyway. In some ways, it doesn’t seem so much that being “gay” leads you to these things, as that these things possess some “gay” quality of their own.

Following this line of alleged thought leads to some profoundly silly (and stupid) places. Kind of like the old “¿Quien es mas macho: lightbulb o schoolbus?” question posed by Laurie Anderson, you find yourself asking: What’s more gay? Oakley sunglasses or Bed, Bath and Beyond? 2xist underwear or Ralph Lauren paints? Eyebrow waxing or Dean and DeLuca?

I mention this all because this very morning, in my Amazon gold box, I found an item which I believe is the trump card, the checkmate, the FUEL-AIR EXPLOSIVE of the ¿Quien es mas homo? game.

Assume for the sake of argument that we’re ignoring the ontologically problematic nature of the idea that things can have a queer identity. (That means: “Play along here, kids.”) Okay, that being the case, we can probably all pretty much agree that high-end kitchen appliances are classically gay. Even moreso if they come in a carefully finished primary color that adds nothing to their function except the ability to blend asthetically with your other kitchen gadgets. Better yet if they come in a metallic finish.

So it pretty much follows that a Kitchen-Aid stand mixer is pretty gay, right? And my “Empire Red” one is, hands-down, gayer than my mom’s old plain white one. And likewise, a matte-finish chrome Kitchen-Aid is yet again substantially gayer than mine. (My only excuse: the chrome version was not available in 1999.)

But lets say that you have, in fact, bought the chrome Kitchen-Aid, and while it has brought you many months or years of mixing and kneading pleasure (aside to Lou Sheldon: this involves making bread and please get your mind out of the gutter), you’re somehow troubled. Perhaps it is…not gay enough? Surely there’s something out there a little…gayer?


Well, do our clever Teutonic friends have just the thing for you! Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present: The Gayest Kitchen Appliance Ever.

BOSCH MUM-7400UC


Please note that this is an original, unretouched image, so yes, that really is a stainless steel, modular mixer/blender/processor, and it really is going for the low, low price of:

ONE MEEEEELION DOLLARS


Good thing that Amazon offers easy payment plans, eh? Let’s get a closeup on this thing:

MUAH HAH HAH HAH


Is it a kitchen convenience, or the secret superweapon of a James Bond villian? No, Mister Bond. I expect you to frappé. If you peel away Arnold Schwartzenegger’s face, I’m pretty sure this thing is what you see. Mix with me if you want to live.

If the “queer eye” actually had some sort of intrinsic “gaze”, this thing would be a 10,000-watt klieg light, shining down on the corner of Christopher and Grove Streets, and directly into our (presumtively brow-waxed) eyes. It’s a pride parade in your kitchen. It probably runs OS X.

And the kicker is…Lou Sheldon probably owns one. We know how he is about killer robots.

p.s. To anyone who got into this post expecting it to lead to trenchent, informed social commetary and not cheap jokes, I humbly apologize.

p.p.s. I will marry the first person who buys me one of these.

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